LandSea Jounral Entry- September 2003

DAY 9:

"It's hard to explain the pain that accompanies each day. While you're hiking, your feet kill, you're tired, the pack is heavy, you're hungry, and it's hard to take one more step. But once the day is done and you're no longer living in the pain, it all seems to melt away. Sure, the next day you remember how painful it was--but you don't quite remember in detail. And three or four days later the pains of that one day have long been forgotten to the joys and pains of another.

Life is like the pain of this trip. The aches and pains really do go away. When it seems like the pain is there forever and that the hurt will snap you in two, it won't. Another day will come, and then another, and eventually, the pain will be lessened until it's almost gone.

Don't get caught up in the moment of pain. Don't focus on every ache and every pain, always keep in mind that another day will come and bring new adventures with it."

Writen in 2007, but desperately needed as a reminder now.

Why I Write

I.

I write because of words like cacophony and cornucopia, for evaporate and elaborate and illusion. I write because of trick words like knock, knit and knot, for trick letters like C and K, for count and call. I write for rules: for I before E except after C and Q is almost always followed by U. I write for there and their and they’re. I write because of words like grit and grind, for gut and glory—words I can feel in the back of my throat. For words that dance on my tongue like evolution, alliteration, and allegory. I write for the words that make my lips murmur, words that call for their joining, for summer and magic, monkey and mayhem. I write because the words on the page wind their way through my ears and mouth and fingers and demand to be let out.

II.

I write because my skirt once blew over my head on the streets of New York City, for pulling a Marilyn Monroe, with uglier underwear. I write because of four year old Lahu children calling me farang bababobo, crazy foreigner. For turning a Lacrosse field into a mud slip-in-slide, for fall trees that look like they’re on fire, for drunken roommates falling down the stairs. I write because of the way it feels to say goodbye, forever, to people who feel like family. I write because I held my dog in my arms as the vet gave him a shot and he died. I write because a man once held me down and silenced my words. I write because sometimes it’s the only way I can remember.

III.

I write because I’m afraid I’ll be alone forever. I write to make marks on my own world, marks I’ll see forever. I write the things I cannot say, the things I don’t want to hear out loud. I write because I’m afraid that if I don’t put my thoughts, my images, on paper they’ll evaporate as though they never existed. I write because someone has to connect with my words, even if that someone is only me ten years from now. I write because I fear that if I don’t I’ll poison my body. I write because I am afraid that one day all I’ll have left is a pen and paper and the ability to write.

Anniversaries

It’s strange to have an anniversary I “celebrate” alone. The word anniversary usually brings to mind weddings and romance—events that at least two people celebrate together. Even sad anniversaries, such as the death of a loved one or, on a larger scale, the date of a war or catastrophe are shared between people. Anniversaries give us the chance to remember, to reflect, to celebrate our love or the life of someone gone. They give us one day a year when we’re supposed to stop and appreciate the past and the future.

And I can do those things on my own. I can remember. I can reflect on my growth over the past four years. I can appreciate where my future is heading.

But what if I don’t want to remember alone? What if I just don’t want to remember at all? I try to convince myself I have a choice in the matter. That if I don’t want to reflect then I don’t have to. That I can ignore the day and let it be like any other. But I can’t ignore it. My mind and my body remind me. It’s there. Sometimes the day sneaks up on me. Sometimes I forgot about it until I happen to glance at the calendar and the date jumps out at me. Other times, like this year, the anniversary walks alongside me for weeks. A glimpse of that night will flash in my mind; a memory of the first anniversary sneaks into in; a man standing too close to me causes my body to shake. And I remember.

I remember being so excited to go to a party, declaring I was finally going to be social and have fun.

I remember being happy to spend time with Kyle and Tiffany and to be around classmates.

I remember Tiffany giving me a cup for free because I didn’t have cash and she didn’t really care.

I remember starting to get tipsy and frolicking from person to person.

I remember flirting with Kevin and him flirting back.

I remember running into Joey and talking to him momentarily. I remember handing my cup to someone and drinking more.

I remember talking to Kip and being so happy to see him after so long.

I remember standing outside Tiffany’s house and the world being completely black. I remember asking someone to get my coat. Telling him that it was pink.

I remember sitting on a tile floor, vomiting into a recycling bin, and a hand rubbing my back. I remember being so confused as to where I was.

I remember being in a bed. I remember my clothes being gone. My bra next to my head.

I remember being unable to move. I remember being unable to speak. I remember wishing it would stop.

I remember him telling me he had a crush on me forever. I remember him putting his clothes on me and curling me into his arms.

I remember waking up. I remember trying to find my clothes. I remember trying to find my way back to my dorm. I remember telling my roommate we had sex. I remember sleeping through class.

I remember piecing together what happened.

I remember all that happened after.

I remember. And no matter what I try to do, I remember. Year after year. Day after day. I remember.

Because I Need To Remember

February 2nd, 2006

Dearest Self,

When you're reading this, it means it's between August and September and you're getting ready for senior year. How is that possible? When did you get so old?

Thailand has been an experience beyond what you thought possible. GO BACK! It's hard to believe study abroad is over and you're on your way back home. Study abroad was a dream for so long that it feels impossible it's over. But it is.

Remember the courage it took to come here and that you have it in you still. Everything difficult eventually becomes easier. In Mae Hong Son, you realized how quickly the unknown becomes known. How it seemed impossible to learn Thai, to exist here, but then you did. The different food and language, the new culture, the scary unknown- it became normal.

Don't fear life after "K." Think of it as a study abroad- a journey to a new culture. You will make friends. Have the strength to do what you want, what feels right- even if it means going off on your own. You went to Thailand without friends and you made 12 wonderful friends.

Keep your passion for children and the desire to be an advocate. Remember what you've seen here, the lives you've shared, but don't feel sad. Try not to think about them as people you'll never see again, but as people whom you loved and who loved you, who shaped an experience that was wonderful. Remember P'Jay, P' On, P'Bu, P'Poo, Ajaan Linda, Ajaan Dave, Nat, Pak, Maa, Paw, Yeigh, P'Annie, Ajaan Jon, Ajaan Araya, Ajaan Chu, Ajaan Mark, P'ToTo, The "Bumster" P'Kim, P'Ben, Som, May, Maew, Anne, Fon, Mai, P'Wasan, Jim, Juum, Jang and their parents.

Remembering them will keep them alive. It will keep this experience alive.

Remember crying on the climb on Leader Day in MHS because you felt too weak to be a leader and too proud to share the weight. You didn't want to be weak. But you made it. It was emotionally hard and you did it anyway. Think about how you're willing to speak up, to speak out about your thoughts and feelings. Remember Andrew being mad at you because he thought you were trying to make him look bad. It took awhile to remember that you were being real and speaking the truth, even if it cost you friendships for awhile. You stood your ground.

Remember making out with P'Bat and what an uproar it was. Making out with sweet Es at the club and his reassurance that he wasn't just trying to sleep with you (even though that's what you wanted). He called numerous times and you were a baby, afraid you were too fat or that he couldn't possibly like you because he was hot. But he did. Don't let negative thoughts ruin the good things that can be.

Remember your friendship with P'Kim. When feeling hurt by the group, the two of you became friends. The cliche saying: "When one door closes, another opens" is true. She entered your life and became a wonderful part of it.

Remember Nat and Pak holding your hands while you slept before leaving on courses- they love you. You finally got to be a big sister.

You've grown Megan. When it feels like you're the same- you aren't. It's impossible to even begin to figure out how much you have learned and changed. You're nicer. At present, you're at peace.

You're going home.

At this point, have you created a new home? Do you remember the early thought that home is within yourself?

You'll always be changing. Hope it stays that way.

"And I'm homesick 'cuz I don't even know, where home is." Kings of Convenience
But you do- it's inside. And now you have more homes, more families than ever before.

You're ok Meg. You always will be.

XO