Doubt

I have great friends. Really great friends. I'm truly blessed. I know this. But I have such a hard time grasping the truth of it.

I doubt my friends. When they want to go out and have a fun time, I doubt they really want to go out with me. When they say they want to listen to my problems, sit with me when I'm sad, I doubt that in any way they could possibly handle it all. When I fuck up, whether our friendship, some event, or anything, I doubt they truly aren't mad or that they forgive me.

I doubt it all.


I am so insecure in myself sometimes that I doubt that anyone else could be secure in loving me. I so often believe that I find my friends to be more important to me than I am to them and I pull away. I don't want to care more, I don't want to need more, I don't want to be the only one caring. And in reality, I'm not. They care about me as much as I care about them. They aren't full of empty words and fake actions. I KNOW this.

But I don't believe it. Where does such mistrust come from? Why do I chase away the people I love the most? Why can't I believe them when they say, "I love you?"

Airports

One of the things I love about traveling is that you're stuck in the same mess as everyone with you. Delayed flight back to Chicago? Delayed flight for a whole plane full. Thinking about how long it's going to take you to get home after it lands, so are others. Dreading how exhausted you'll be at work tomorrow? Ditto for many. You're all stuck at the airport without a say about what will happen next.

And once you land, you watch those with loved ones come pick them up. You watch the happiness of both people, the joy of someone coming home after a long time away or someone coming for a visit.

Or you watch the people just like you: those getting into a cab alone for the ride home. Or those boarding the train, three hours later than planned, and riding it with you, home in the darkness together. Going home to a dark house, to no one looking forward to seeing you, to the deep silence and loneliness that comes after saying goodbye.


Airports are an interesting mix of strangers and intimacy. It's a place where you can watch someone break into the biggest smile seeing someone again, watch people jump up and down with excitment, hug loved ones, show such happiness. And it's a place where you can watch someone silently sob, perhaps over saying goodbye to a boyfriend or girlfriend, a best friend, or a family member. The person crying because the next visit isn't know. The next time you lay eyes on your loved one could be in a month, a year, or longer.

The person could be angry or upset because something happened on the trip--a fight, an ending, a realization not known before, the sense of an ending. Or the sadness that comes with leaving a piece of yourself behind or of knowing something shifted and won't be the same again. An extra emotional scene because traveling weakens the defenses, opens you in a way you normally aren't.

Traveling usually is a mix of exhaustion and excitement for me. It's a period of time when you don't get to control what happens--who sits next to you, when the flight leaves, if there's turbulence, if you land at the right time etc. It's just you, your hopes, your plans, and sometimes, someone waiting on the other end.

You have to let go when you travel. You have to accept that what will be, will be. You get what you get and have no choice but to let that be good enough.

I stood in the rain tonight...

let the large, cold drops pour over me. Turned my head to the sky and let the water smear my make-up. My feet and shoes soaked from puddles.

It was incredibly perfect.

Happiness is...

taking a sick day, just to sleep in.

finishing chores on time.

watching ridiculous television with your ridiculous roommate.

being able to laugh when you immediately spill on your fresh, clean sheets.

seeing an old friend and being able to countdown until the next time (6 months!).

deciding you're good at your job, even if you don't enjoy doing it.

getting music from a friend and finding out it's awesome.

board game night with friends!

reading a really, really good book.

holding a sleeping baby to your chest and feeling her breathe.