LandSea Jounral Entry- September 2003

DAY 9:

"It's hard to explain the pain that accompanies each day. While you're hiking, your feet kill, you're tired, the pack is heavy, you're hungry, and it's hard to take one more step. But once the day is done and you're no longer living in the pain, it all seems to melt away. Sure, the next day you remember how painful it was--but you don't quite remember in detail. And three or four days later the pains of that one day have long been forgotten to the joys and pains of another.

Life is like the pain of this trip. The aches and pains really do go away. When it seems like the pain is there forever and that the hurt will snap you in two, it won't. Another day will come, and then another, and eventually, the pain will be lessened until it's almost gone.

Don't get caught up in the moment of pain. Don't focus on every ache and every pain, always keep in mind that another day will come and bring new adventures with it."

Funk

I feel like I've been in this funk since I came back from Chicago/Kalamazoo. I don't want to do anything; I don't really have anything to do; I'm sleeping at odd hours; I'm whiny and complaining about everything; I'm anxious over the money I'm NOT making; etc. More than anything though is the fact that I'm not as appreciative or as in awe of the world as I usually am. I usually can find the silver lining regardless of what's going on. But right now, I just want to close my eyes and let this summer take care of itself. Wake me up when Fall comes.

Which is ridiculous! It's summertime. I'm not in classes all day. I'm not at an internship. I don't have much to worry about (besides making enough money to pay rent). I just spent a fabulous week with my friends in Chicago and some of my family in Kalamazoo. I'm off to a Bluegrass Festival this weekend. Then it's Rogue Camp in July. My best friend's wedding hoopla in August. And then a family trip to New Orleans (where I've always wanted to go)! So why do I want to close my eyes and wake up when school starts again?

I think I'm just struggling with the change of summer. As silly as that sounds. Going from a jam-packed schedule to one that's relatively open isn't easy for me. I like to be busy. I guess my struggle and therefore my goal for this summer to sit in the stillness.

To figure out how to just be.