I have great friends. Really great friends. I'm truly blessed. I know this. But I have such a hard time grasping the truth of it.
I doubt my friends. When they want to go out and have a fun time, I doubt they really want to go out with me. When they say they want to listen to my problems, sit with me when I'm sad, I doubt that in any way they could possibly handle it all. When I fuck up, whether our friendship, some event, or anything, I doubt they truly aren't mad or that they forgive me.
I doubt it all.
I am so insecure in myself sometimes that I doubt that anyone else could be secure in loving me. I so often believe that I find my friends to be more important to me than I am to them and I pull away. I don't want to care more, I don't want to need more, I don't want to be the only one caring. And in reality, I'm not. They care about me as much as I care about them. They aren't full of empty words and fake actions. I KNOW this.
But I don't believe it. Where does such mistrust come from? Why do I chase away the people I love the most? Why can't I believe them when they say, "I love you?"
