"And I'm homesick... cause I no longer know... where home is..."

In 24 days, I'll be back in Chicago for almost a full week. I'll be staying at my friend's place, where I used to go all the time for game night, delicious dinners, and various holiday parties. I'll get to wander streets I once knew so well. I'll take the EL to my favorite old haunts. I'll see faces I haven't seen in over 9 months, that I once used to see daily, or at least weekly. I'll get to do things that I used to do each day, that used to be part-and-parcel of my life.

For some reason, the entire time I lived in Chicago, I told myself, told others, and truly believed that Chicago was just a stopping point. It was never "home." While I enjoyed my time there, I always felt like I was just passing through, just wasting time on my way to somewhere, and something, else. Despite living with or near my amazing friends, despite having a survivable job, despite living close enough (and far enough) to my family, despite all these things that make a place "home" for so many people, it never felt that way.

I thought maybe I'd find my home in Denver. I was hoping that this was going to be it, that this would be the last place (or at least last state) that I'd ever live (at least for many, many years). That Denver would have what I need... whatever that may mean. But I haven't found home here. I've worked hard to build a new life. I have my very own apartment; I have wonderful friends; I have the right career path (through schooling and internship). I love the mountains. I love the weather (though I could do with some more thunderstorms). I love the air, the flowers, the trees. I feel like Denver has everything I ever thought I wanted.

People keep telling my to give it time, and I will. But I find myself dreaming of Chicago. Longing for Chicago. Missing Chicago deep in my bones. I question whether it's just because I miss my friends (I do), or if it's the city itself. I ask myself, "if all the people you knew while living there for 3 years were gone, would you still want to move back after grad school?" Honestly? I just don't know.

I hope that when I go back to visit, in roughly 3 weeks, I'll get a better sense of what I want. That I'll be able to figure out if the place finally feels like home. Or perhaps, when I return (especially since I haven't left Denver once since moving here), I'll find that I missed Denver and am excited to come back. Will I call it home? Will I call Chicago home as I leave?

When will I find that place called home?



"There's only one thing on my mind
searching boxes underneath the counter,
on a chance that on a tape I'd find...
a song for someone who needs somewhere to long for.

Homesick.
Because I no longer know where home is."