Two weekends ago, I got coffee with a friend, where we talked about a myriad of things... from school to life fears, from relationships to life hopes. While I was driving home, I was hit with such intensity by a thought that I had to pull over and write it down. Here's what I wrote:
"How am I ever going to find love if I don't truly open myself up to it? I'm so scared of losing myself in a relationship or having to take care of someone else's shit or getting unfixably hurt that even as I say I want love, I am mentally/emotionally closed off to it. I must let all of this go before I can ever say I'm ready."
It was such an "aha!" moment that I've been playing it over and over again in my head for the past two weeks. I've never been in love. Sure, I've dated. Sure, I've really liked a few people, but I've never been in love. I've never been willing to let go enough to go anywhere close. Some of it has been self-confidence issues... could a person ever really love me like that? Could my partner want to spend the rest of his life (or at least a period of time) with me? Some of it has been... could I ever possibly love a person that much? Could I ever want to make a commitment (any commitment) to another person? But there are other issues that seem so much larger...
I am so afraid that love means losing who you are. I feel like I've watched so many of my friends and family lose sight of who they are once they've gotten into relationships that I'm afraid that's what comes of love. I know that relationships involve compromises and I think I'm okay with that, but what if I give up on some dream because I need to help make my partner's dream come true? What if I have to compromise on what I want from a partner (humor, liberal views, a desire to be his own person, goofiness, a love of children, etc.) in order to even find someone? What if my partner doesn't like something about me (my introversion, my stubbornness, my struggle with sharing, my desire to be separate) before he'll even be with me? And yes, yes, yes, I know that there's the possibility that there's someone out there who meets all of my requirements and I meet all of his, but doesn't it seem like that possibility is pretty slim? It seems more likely to me that a ton of compromise is going to be involved before I can even get into a serious relationship with someone. and this makes me feel like I'm letting myself down and could lose everything I've fought to become.
And what of all the shit that person carries with him? My friend (from that coffee date) reminded me that we all come with baggage and none of us has it all figured out. I totally agree. I'm very much of the Mimi (from Rent) mindset, "...I'm looking for baggage to go with mine...", but I've worked through so much of mine. I know that there is so much baggage I still have hanging around in my closet, but I've also spent years in therapy. I've dug and searched and unlayered and removed my baggage to the point that it's at least packed neatly and put back into the suitcase. I want someone who has done the same. I want someone who has, through therapy or not, done the same. I want us both to come into our relationship with our eyes wide open. I want someone who knows who he is, knows what he's got going for him, knows what he struggles with, and can be honest about it all.
Then, of course, there's the part of me that is afraid of what everyone is afraid of. What if I get hurt? What if I fall in love and then he leaves? What if I fall in love and he cheats? What if I fall in love and we just aren't meant to be? As Adele so expertly sings, "So I won't let you close enough to hurt me. No, I won't ask you to just desert me...". I think this one is the easiest for me to work through b/c I'm a person who so strongly believes that people come into our lives when they're supposed and exit when they're supposed. (Not to say this wouldn't be horribly hard at the time...). I just feel like everything combined has worked to close me off to love without me even knowing it.
I think I need to sit down (this has been a great start) and process through each of these things and then let go. If I'm not truly open, no matter how much I swear I am, then a relationship will never work. Perhaps I need to open up and then let it all go.
I like this :)
ReplyDeleteOpening yourself up is a huge, scary risk, but so rewarding. I was so closed off when I met Chad and I'm just so thankful that he taught me to experience love. I love him more than just about anything, but he's also taught me that I would survive without him. Once I realized I was a whole person, it made it a lot easier to put my heart in the hands of someone else. Easier said than done, I know ;)