2011 Year in Review

Most listened to music: Florence and the Machine, Adele, The Band Perry, Sigor Ros, Mumford and Sons, Old Crow Medicine Show, & Horse Feathers

Songs on repeat: Don't Carry It All (The Decemberists), Someone Like You (Adele), Shake It Out (Florence), We Found Love (Rhianna), & If I Die Young (The Band Perry)

TV Shows: Pretty Little Liars, Revenge, Once Upon a Time, Survivor, Criminal Minds, NCIS, NCIS-LA, & Cake Boss

Favorite Books: Hunger Games Trilogy (Suzanne Collins), Delirium (Laura Restepo), Divergent (Veronica Roth), The Book Thief (Markus Zusak), &

Websites: DYAC, TFLN, DBPB, Roger Canaff, Cat versus Human, Adios Barbie, & Oatmeal


New Places Visited: New Orleans, LA; Telluride, CO; Black Bear Cabin, CO; & Estes Park, CO


Other Exciting Visits/Events: Jessalyn's wedding, Chicago visit in May, Beth & Trey's wedding, 26th birthday party @ Lana's, & Dad & Rhonda's visit

Kiddos: Talin, Shreyas, Ellie & Bea, & Asher & Zander

Lessons learned: (1) Trust my body and mind. (2) Struggles that repeat themselves are doing so to teach new things or remind you that you weren't listening the last time. (3) Family and Michigan mean more to me than I ever knew and the possibility of returning back there says nothing about my ability to live away. (4) Mistrusting people because of past hurts that didn't involve them in the first place ends up hurting the relationship; trust until that specific person proves that you shouldn't, then trust once more. (5) Gratitude is important and doesn't require something magical, special, or important. Every moment brings its own need for gratitude.

To Call Myself Beloved

I have a new blog as well!!!

http://tocallmyselfbeloved.blogspot.com/

365 days of gratitude.

I want to keep another blog where I can write just a few sentences each day, while keeping this blog for longer posts whenever brilliance strikes me.

Since you've drawn out these lines Are you protected from trying times?

Carve your heart out yourself
Hopelessness is your cell
Since you've drawn out these lines
Are you protected from trying times?

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh look now, there you go with hope again
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end

Dig a ditch deep enough
To keep you clear of the sun
You've been burned more than once
You don't think much of trust

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh look now, there you go with hope again
But I'll be sure your secret is safe with me
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end
Treating me like I'm already gone

But I'm not, I will stay where you are always
I will stay, I will stay, I will stay (all of now)

SHE SAID IT’S A SEASON WHEN EVERYTHING DIES: By Diane Seuss
for Lauren

and who am I to tell her otherwise?

The dog pulls me down the darkening street

toward a slender, blue-lipped moon that lies

concave upon its violet winding sheet.

I’ve tried to say the leaves are the trees’ hair;

like hair they will grow back, or like the skins

of coral snakes, dispensable. I swear

that fall can cleave from summer, conjoined twins

stuck together at the skull, severed,

so one can stay behind where all is green.

The other, maybe stronger, wearing her

white jacket, walks into cold, a queen

of complication, change, frost flowers, inflection,

of living fish beneath the ice, of resurrection.

"I like songs about drifters - books about the same. They both seem to make me feel a little less insane."

9/11

I believe that the best way to honor and remember the dead is to work for peace. It's in giving those who dug through the rubble proper health care instead of letting them suffer. It's in knowing that the actions of a few do not speak for the many. It's in remembering that despite the differences in cultures, we are all people.

Oh love...

Two weekends ago, I got coffee with a friend, where we talked about a myriad of things... from school to life fears, from relationships to life hopes. While I was driving home, I was hit with such intensity by a thought that I had to pull over and write it down. Here's what I wrote:

"How am I ever going to find love if I don't truly open myself up to it? I'm so scared of losing myself in a relationship or having to take care of someone else's shit or getting unfixably hurt that even as I say I want love, I am mentally/emotionally closed off to it. I must let all of this go before I can ever say I'm ready."

It was such an "aha!" moment that I've been playing it over and over again in my head for the past two weeks. I've never been in love. Sure, I've dated. Sure, I've really liked a few people, but I've never been in love. I've never been willing to let go enough to go anywhere close. Some of it has been self-confidence issues... could a person ever really love me like that? Could my partner want to spend the rest of his life (or at least a period of time) with me? Some of it has been... could I ever possibly love a person that much? Could I ever want to make a commitment (any commitment) to another person? But there are other issues that seem so much larger...


I am so afraid that love means losing who you are. I feel like I've watched so many of my friends and family lose sight of who they are once they've gotten into relationships that I'm afraid that's what comes of love. I know that relationships involve compromises and I think I'm okay with that, but what if I give up on some dream because I need to help make my partner's dream come true? What if I have to compromise on what I want from a partner (humor, liberal views, a desire to be his own person, goofiness, a love of children, etc.) in order to even find someone? What if my partner doesn't like something about me (my introversion, my stubbornness, my struggle with sharing, my desire to be separate) before he'll even be with me? And yes, yes, yes, I know that there's the possibility that there's someone out there who meets all of my requirements and I meet all of his, but doesn't it seem like that possibility is pretty slim? It seems more likely to me that a ton of compromise is going to be involved before I can even get into a serious relationship with someone. and this makes me feel like I'm letting myself down and could lose everything I've fought to become.

And what of all the shit that person carries with him? My friend (from that coffee date) reminded me that we all come with baggage and none of us has it all figured out. I totally agree. I'm very much of the Mimi (from Rent) mindset, "...I'm looking for baggage to go with mine...", but I've worked through so much of mine. I know that there is so much baggage I still have hanging around in my closet, but I've also spent years in therapy. I've dug and searched and unlayered and removed my baggage to the point that it's at least packed neatly and put back into the suitcase. I want someone who has done the same. I want someone who has, through therapy or not, done the same. I want us both to come into our relationship with our eyes wide open. I want someone who knows who he is, knows what he's got going for him, knows what he struggles with, and can be honest about it all.

Then, of course, there's the part of me that is afraid of what everyone is afraid of. What if I get hurt? What if I fall in love and then he leaves? What if I fall in love and he cheats? What if I fall in love and we just aren't meant to be? As Adele so expertly sings, "So I won't let you close enough to hurt me. No, I won't ask you to just desert me...". I think this one is the easiest for me to work through b/c I'm a person who so strongly believes that people come into our lives when they're supposed and exit when they're supposed. (Not to say this wouldn't be horribly hard at the time...). I just feel like everything combined has worked to close me off to love without me even knowing it.

I think I need to sit down (this has been a great start) and process through each of these things and then let go. If I'm not truly open, no matter how much I swear I am, then a relationship will never work. Perhaps I need to open up and then let it all go.