"I like songs about drifters - books about the same. They both seem to make me feel a little less insane."

9/11

I believe that the best way to honor and remember the dead is to work for peace. It's in giving those who dug through the rubble proper health care instead of letting them suffer. It's in knowing that the actions of a few do not speak for the many. It's in remembering that despite the differences in cultures, we are all people.

Oh love...

Two weekends ago, I got coffee with a friend, where we talked about a myriad of things... from school to life fears, from relationships to life hopes. While I was driving home, I was hit with such intensity by a thought that I had to pull over and write it down. Here's what I wrote:

"How am I ever going to find love if I don't truly open myself up to it? I'm so scared of losing myself in a relationship or having to take care of someone else's shit or getting unfixably hurt that even as I say I want love, I am mentally/emotionally closed off to it. I must let all of this go before I can ever say I'm ready."

It was such an "aha!" moment that I've been playing it over and over again in my head for the past two weeks. I've never been in love. Sure, I've dated. Sure, I've really liked a few people, but I've never been in love. I've never been willing to let go enough to go anywhere close. Some of it has been self-confidence issues... could a person ever really love me like that? Could my partner want to spend the rest of his life (or at least a period of time) with me? Some of it has been... could I ever possibly love a person that much? Could I ever want to make a commitment (any commitment) to another person? But there are other issues that seem so much larger...


I am so afraid that love means losing who you are. I feel like I've watched so many of my friends and family lose sight of who they are once they've gotten into relationships that I'm afraid that's what comes of love. I know that relationships involve compromises and I think I'm okay with that, but what if I give up on some dream because I need to help make my partner's dream come true? What if I have to compromise on what I want from a partner (humor, liberal views, a desire to be his own person, goofiness, a love of children, etc.) in order to even find someone? What if my partner doesn't like something about me (my introversion, my stubbornness, my struggle with sharing, my desire to be separate) before he'll even be with me? And yes, yes, yes, I know that there's the possibility that there's someone out there who meets all of my requirements and I meet all of his, but doesn't it seem like that possibility is pretty slim? It seems more likely to me that a ton of compromise is going to be involved before I can even get into a serious relationship with someone. and this makes me feel like I'm letting myself down and could lose everything I've fought to become.

And what of all the shit that person carries with him? My friend (from that coffee date) reminded me that we all come with baggage and none of us has it all figured out. I totally agree. I'm very much of the Mimi (from Rent) mindset, "...I'm looking for baggage to go with mine...", but I've worked through so much of mine. I know that there is so much baggage I still have hanging around in my closet, but I've also spent years in therapy. I've dug and searched and unlayered and removed my baggage to the point that it's at least packed neatly and put back into the suitcase. I want someone who has done the same. I want someone who has, through therapy or not, done the same. I want us both to come into our relationship with our eyes wide open. I want someone who knows who he is, knows what he's got going for him, knows what he struggles with, and can be honest about it all.

Then, of course, there's the part of me that is afraid of what everyone is afraid of. What if I get hurt? What if I fall in love and then he leaves? What if I fall in love and he cheats? What if I fall in love and we just aren't meant to be? As Adele so expertly sings, "So I won't let you close enough to hurt me. No, I won't ask you to just desert me...". I think this one is the easiest for me to work through b/c I'm a person who so strongly believes that people come into our lives when they're supposed and exit when they're supposed. (Not to say this wouldn't be horribly hard at the time...). I just feel like everything combined has worked to close me off to love without me even knowing it.

I think I need to sit down (this has been a great start) and process through each of these things and then let go. If I'm not truly open, no matter how much I swear I am, then a relationship will never work. Perhaps I need to open up and then let it all go.

Resolutions

I have decided, my darling readers (all 2 of you), that I want to make a few resolutions for this coming academic year. I've never been huge on New Years' Resolutions because I've never quite understood the reasoning behind making resolutions (with the intentions of sticking to them) in the middle of the winter. But resolutions at the start of something tangibly new makes more sense to me. So, before the new school year begins, I've decided to write out (hoping it will help me stick to them) my resolutions. Feel free to call me out on them at any point!

1. I will continue to blog at least once a week. Over the summer, I've come to realize that I really do enjoy blogging and that even if my posts are not earth-shattering for anyone [including myself], they do provide a wonderful outlet to write whatever is going on is this crazy head of mine.

2. I will explore Denver/Colorado as though I am a tourist here--this means I will go somewhere new (bar, restaurant, event, place, etc) at least once a month. Many of my friends have traveled to fabulous places this summer and I've been incredibly jealous. However, I've also come to realize that Denver/Colorado is an amazing place and I have not done it any justice by becoming caught up in the everydayness of my life and ignoring the awesomeness that is all around me.

3. I will mediate for 10 minutes five days a week (with the hopes of extending the time). Whenever I get back into the groove of mediation, I consistently find myself to be more relaxed, better focused, and with an overall sense of lightness. Sometimes I lose track of how great it makes me feel and allow the daily parts of living to interfere. I always regret it when I do.

4. I will make time for relationships (of all kinds) by interacting with friends at least once per week. I've been honored this summer with getting to really know a few new friends and with strengthening my relationships with a few old ones. These people make me feel blessed to be alive and I want to continue growing and maintaining these friendships. I also want to allow myself to be open to the possibility of a romantic relationship, should it come along.

5. I will focus on experience and learning and not on grades. (Didn't think any of these would be academic, did ya?). I am so prone to getting caught up on the final product that I lose sight of everything I'm doing along the way. In my heart, I truly believe that grades are only as important as the amount of learning that comes along with them. But I've been so conditioned to worry about getting an A (not an A- mind you) that I lose sight of the experience. This will most likely be my last year of school, possibly ever, and I want to take it in for all it's worth. I want to do the readings (well, most of them); I want to have discussions; I want to learn from my professors and colleagues; I want to focus my energies into my internship where I'll get the most hands-on experience. That's what I want from my last year.

A part of me feels silly making all these resolutions since I'm rarely very good at keeping to them. But I've spent a lot of time this summer thinking about how I want this school year to go and what I need to do in order to shape it that way. My original list had about 10 items, but I realized I need to be realistic and so I honed it down to the 5 that felt (a) the most doable, (b) the most beneficial, and (c) had measurable outcomes (except that I haven't figured out how to measure #5).

Here's to sticking with it!

I Vow...

...to live my life in a way that makes this impossible.

Happiness

I took SR (2 y/o) for a walk tonight and we stopped in the middle of campus for a little bit. We sat on a bench, looking at the buildings and the mountains. I asked SR what makes him happy (he's the smartest, most mature 2 y/o I have ever met- in ALL my time of working with kids). He told me, in order- 1. JoJo (the stuffed elephant I have in my car for him); 2. His Water (that he was drinking at that very moment) and 3. His James (the toy train engine he was driving up and down the bench). I told him I was very glad he was happy.

A few minutes passed and SR turned to me and said, "Miss Megan, what makes you happy?" I don't know if it was his maturity, the question itself, or something else, but I, of course, immediately get choked up. Finally, I calmed down, thought about it, turned to SR and said, "You. You make me happy. The mountains make me happy. The sunset. This moment. Everything about this moment."

And as we started walking back to his house, I realized how true my words were. Nothing made me happier than that very moment we were living in. Nothing was better than sitting there on campus, with SR sitting next to me, staring at the sunset and the mountains. What could possibly ever beat that moment?


The beauty of living in each moment is that nothing that has come before and nothing that may come after can ever beat that exact, specific moment.

An Open Letter

Dear boy at the airport,

I noticed you on the Denver to Cleveland flight, sitting with your dad at the back of the plane. You were behaving so well- reading your book and then watching TV. You sat quietly, you didn't wiggle, you didn't bother anyone. (You were behaving better than I was!) Something exciting must have happened on your show because you turned to your dad with a huge smile and he so meanly told you to "knock it off." I watched the smile disappear from your eyes, as well as your lips*. In my seat, I closed my eyes and I wished you well.

I saw you again in the Cleveland airport, our connecting flights going out of the same gate. Your flight was canceled and the airlines were going to put everyone onto a bus. Your dad was furious. He hollered at you for not walking fast enough to the counter. He hollered at the airline personnel for having to take a bus. He hollered and he hollered, holding your arm in a tight grip the entire time. I watched as you stared at your feet-not daring to look at him or anyone around you. For ten minutes you stood perfectly still, your dad's hand on your arm, not saying a word.

And I stood and watched. I watched this scene and I worried for you. But I didn't say or do anything. I wish I had asked you about your book and movie, had found out what had made you smile. I wish I had asked you your age, or where you were from, or what you liked to do. I wish I had asked your dad to lighten his grip on your arm. I wish I was brave enough, or that it felt right enough, for me to come talk to you.

I would have told you that you seem like an intelligent, sweet, well-behaved kiddo. I would have assured you that we all crave our parents' attention and affection and told you that you aren't alone in that. I would have said that for some kids, it doesn't matter how well-behaved or good enough they are- some parents act that way no matter what. I would have stressed that you have your whole life ahead of you and that there will be people who are interested in what you do and say, who won't be mean or hurt you, and I would have told you that you are so special- if for no other reason than that you're a part of this world.

A week after our encounter, I'm still thinking about you. I'm wishing you well and sending the best thoughts a person can in your direction. I hope that wherever you were heading then and wherever you are heading in your life that there is a person to greet you with kindness on the other side.

M.


"You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."
-Max Ehrmann



*I recognize much of this letter is conjecture.