Because I Need To Remember

February 2nd, 2006

Dearest Self,

When you're reading this, it means it's between August and September and you're getting ready for senior year. How is that possible? When did you get so old?

Thailand has been an experience beyond what you thought possible. GO BACK! It's hard to believe study abroad is over and you're on your way back home. Study abroad was a dream for so long that it feels impossible it's over. But it is.

Remember the courage it took to come here and that you have it in you still. Everything difficult eventually becomes easier. In Mae Hong Son, you realized how quickly the unknown becomes known. How it seemed impossible to learn Thai, to exist here, but then you did. The different food and language, the new culture, the scary unknown- it became normal.

Don't fear life after "K." Think of it as a study abroad- a journey to a new culture. You will make friends. Have the strength to do what you want, what feels right- even if it means going off on your own. You went to Thailand without friends and you made 12 wonderful friends.

Keep your passion for children and the desire to be an advocate. Remember what you've seen here, the lives you've shared, but don't feel sad. Try not to think about them as people you'll never see again, but as people whom you loved and who loved you, who shaped an experience that was wonderful. Remember P'Jay, P' On, P'Bu, P'Poo, Ajaan Linda, Ajaan Dave, Nat, Pak, Maa, Paw, Yeigh, P'Annie, Ajaan Jon, Ajaan Araya, Ajaan Chu, Ajaan Mark, P'ToTo, The "Bumster" P'Kim, P'Ben, Som, May, Maew, Anne, Fon, Mai, P'Wasan, Jim, Juum, Jang and their parents.

Remembering them will keep them alive. It will keep this experience alive.

Remember crying on the climb on Leader Day in MHS because you felt too weak to be a leader and too proud to share the weight. You didn't want to be weak. But you made it. It was emotionally hard and you did it anyway. Think about how you're willing to speak up, to speak out about your thoughts and feelings. Remember Andrew being mad at you because he thought you were trying to make him look bad. It took awhile to remember that you were being real and speaking the truth, even if it cost you friendships for awhile. You stood your ground.

Remember making out with P'Bat and what an uproar it was. Making out with sweet Es at the club and his reassurance that he wasn't just trying to sleep with you (even though that's what you wanted). He called numerous times and you were a baby, afraid you were too fat or that he couldn't possibly like you because he was hot. But he did. Don't let negative thoughts ruin the good things that can be.

Remember your friendship with P'Kim. When feeling hurt by the group, the two of you became friends. The cliche saying: "When one door closes, another opens" is true. She entered your life and became a wonderful part of it.

Remember Nat and Pak holding your hands while you slept before leaving on courses- they love you. You finally got to be a big sister.

You've grown Megan. When it feels like you're the same- you aren't. It's impossible to even begin to figure out how much you have learned and changed. You're nicer. At present, you're at peace.

You're going home.

At this point, have you created a new home? Do you remember the early thought that home is within yourself?

You'll always be changing. Hope it stays that way.

"And I'm homesick 'cuz I don't even know, where home is." Kings of Convenience
But you do- it's inside. And now you have more homes, more families than ever before.

You're ok Meg. You always will be.

XO