Perfection.

I had my first knitting lesson today. My roommate A offered to teach me how to knit as a Christmas gift. I've always thought about learning, but knowing myself, knew I both lacked patience and craved "perfection" a bit too much.

It didn't take me long to learn the movements of casting on and knitting, but I kept pulling the yarn too tight, making the next step a bit too difficult for my novice fingers. A. offered to help, offered to do the casting on so that I could practice the knitting aspect, she gave me larger needles and larger yarn so it would be easier. I practiced with the larger yarn/needles for a bit and then became determined that I should be able to master the task with the smaller yarn/needle. I kept working at it, undoing, redoing, undoing, redoing because I needed it to be right. I needed to get it right in that one sitting or...

Or what? I know and believe to the depth of my being that there is no such thing as perfection. That everyone can always get better at whatever it is. That being perfect would probably be pretty damn boring if it was possible. That people who are "perfect" at something are under constant pressure to never lose that ability. That I should be striving for experience and knowledge and growth- not perfection.

Yet, I sat there and kept doing it over and over until my shoulder hurt and I had to stop. One of my mom's favorite stories to tell is one night when I was in eighth grade and I couldn't understand my geometry homework. For whatever reason, the concepts weren't making sense to me and I absolutely, positively had to understand or I would die? I wouldn't be ok? I'd never accomplish anything in my entire life? I sat crying at the kitchen table begging my mom to try and explain it to me again. At 10:30pm she refused to help me anymore, tried (again) to convince me that everything would be ok if I didn't understand geometry and that maybe if I slept, I'd understand the next day. I threw a total fit. She didn't get it! I absolutely had to understand!

I laugh about it now; it's seriously ridiculous. About as ridiculous as my inability to let A. help me with knitting, the inability to write the second sentence of a paper until the first sentence is perfect, my willingness to give up writing poetry because it's not as great as it used to be, the way I write and then rewrite to-do lists if the first one doesn't look good enough- regardless of the fact that I'll just cross it off anyway.

My life has always been this way. I grew up in a world where our house had to sparkling clean or my mom would go crazy (she used to vacuum three times a day). I grew up telling myself that I had to be the best at all the things I could be the best at, that if I couldn't be skinny or pretty or popular, then I sure as hell would be smart and get great grades and be involved in xyz and be really good at xyz as well. I grew up painting myself into what I thought I had to be.

I don't want to be that person anymore. I've definitely gotten better at letting go a bit of that chase for perfection since graduating college. But I need to let go even more. I need (I want) to change the way I think about what's good "enough," about why I do the things I do (like knitting) and if the goal is really for it to be perfect at the end or if it's to enjoy the experience itself. I want to get back to writing- to be willing to write crap for awhile until I practice my way back to where I was.

I want to teach myself how to sit with the anxiety I feel when I don't do things "perfectly." Teach myself to set aside the knitting needles, with the messed up stitches or too tight casting, and to come back to it later if I still want to. To sit with the intense level of anxiety I feel coursing through my body because it just isn't right! I want to remind myself that I'm not going to die if I don't redo it right away (or ever), that it doesn't say anything about who I am as a person or that I'll never be able to knit.

I want life to be about more than trying to achieve something that is not only attainable, but also undesirable.