"Is Love Alive?"

I did it. I went and fell for a boy. I didn't do what I normally do- didn't put most of myself out there, didn't just go through the motions, didn't just go for the sex, didn't hold back.

I met someone and I liked him and I didn't run. I fell. I went through the initial slightly uncomfortable, the slightly awkward, the butterflies, the when's-he-going-to-kiss-me-dammit, and finally found myself at this point where I felt so comfortable with him, where we felt natural. He made me laugh and when I had a bad day, he was who I wanted to talk to. I didn't feel the need to play happy on those bad days, and yet being with him, I'd suddenly forget that it was even a bad day to begin with. He sucked at making contact. He was hairy and somewhat spoiled and was living at home while he got his masters. But I liked him and I let myself.

He let me know on NYE that he decided he's too busy to date. That I was "warm and compassionate and a great person," but he didn't have time for a relationship.

And now I find myself standing at this really new, strange place. Dating is only somewhat new to me, but what's completely new is trusting myself, trusting the other person enough to allow myself to feel whatever it is that I feel, whenever it is that I feel it. I opened up and I fully put myself into the relationship and I did things in the "right" order, and and and.

For the most part, I'm choosing to remain positive. I'm choosing to see the relationship as experience and growth. I'm choosing to believe that his decision to stop dating really did have to do with his lack of time and not some lack about me. I'm choosing to let myself feel sad when something occurs to me and I think, oh C. would love this. I'm choosing to rewrite my online dating profile. I'm choosing to start looking again, with no rush or need to find someone else, just being open to the possibility. I'm choosing to think about what I didn't like about C. and what I would like in the next person.

And I'm trying as hard as I can to keep myself from shutting down, from backing away, from turning away from another relationship. I'm choosing and I'm trying and I'm growing.



"I still believe in summer days.
The seasons always change
and life will find a way.

I'll be your harvester of light
and send it out tonight
so we can start again.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?"

-Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson